So I was cleaning and packing today, and I happened to look in a shoe box that I forgot I had hidden some pictures and other miscellaneous beautiful bullshit that you accumulate throughout the course of a relationship. Instead of crying, for the first time in a long time...I smiled. By no means am I saying that I'm over it. I truly don't ever see myself getting FULLY over it (at least I'm honest right?).
Anyway, the picture made me start thinking about everything. I ran the relationship through my mind from start to finish, took about an hour and an half, and all in all, the relationship was incredibly smooth. Wanna reminisce with me? Read on...
*disclaimer* This will probably be my longest blog post ever, but I'll finally say everything that I ever wanted to say. Most importantly, take your white wigs off...Don't judge me.
You may wonder why I'm deciding to commit emotional suicide by rehashing all this at 4 am., but I decided I need to write everything out and use this as my open ear as opposed to constantly venting to Nicole. She's kinda horrible at it, but I love the fact that she'll always listen. She cries, which will make me cry, and then we're just sitting there blubbering and she usually says, at least twice, "Why did he do this to us?" lol. Gotta love her! *muah*
Back to the reminiscing... I know the exact moment I started to like him, I could tell you the date, but I'd rather just tell you the moment lol. We were talking about music and absolutely every person he said, I LOVED! I saw him later on that day, and I remember being so anxious to see him. I was always that way, it was comparable to how a dog runs to the door when they know a loved one's home...just, pure joy. I felt that up until the last day...but that's much later within the story.
It took off with a rocket, everyday we saw each other. I even visited him at work. Just...cake shit lol. I was such a cake that instead of leaving the house and driving straight up to school, I would go to his house. I would end up staying until 2-3am and then drive up to school. I was such a cake that I used to wake up HOURS before I needed to be to class just to wake him up and talk to him before he went to work.
I don't know if I've said this in a previous post (I know Nicole has heard this a million times), but the reason why the relationship was so "great", is because it was so organic and effortless. When I say effortless, I'm not saying it like there weren't things that we did to make it easier, I'm just saying it wasn't "hard". For example, I had ask questions about his previous relationships to figure out where it failed to ensure that ours wouldn't fail for the same reasons. I'd do the exact opposite of whatever everyone else did. If she was super jealous, I would swallow my insecurities and trust him. While the whole "trusting him" thing blew up in my fucking face, I love that I can say I tried and kept my end of the bargain.
Anyway like I was saying, there wasn't any drama, there was no judging when it came to telling each other things, we didn't look at each other like they were retarded when they said something stupid. What I remember the most is laughing, next would be sex, but definitely laughing. For the first time, ever, there was someone who knew what I knew, and more than me. I could actually have a stimulating conversation, and if you knew anything about my previous relationships...that was few and far between.
What makes it the hardest is because I got comfortable. There was no one who could ever tell me that we weren't going to last. I was so sure that this was it. Whenever I say that to Nicole she'd always say, "Girl me too" lol. Next, I start thinking of all the small moments and shit that I could have done that might have made a difference. Last, I still don't believe it yet. When shit happens, he's still the first one I want to call. Then something will hit me and say, "Don't" and immediately everything will come back again. Then a flurry of unanswered "Why's" run rampant and I'm back where I started.
It sucks, but I learned a shit ton about myself and I learned a great deal about relationships. Oddly enough, I'm hopeful for the future...whatever that may be.
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